Fuck The World For The Win

When I was a kid the initials F.T.W. meant “Fuck The World”.  I first saw them written on a bloody Nikki Sixx’s arm:

NikkiBloodFU

Once I found out what it meant I kind of took it on as my life’s motto. Fuck The World! It has a simple beauty to it. It served me well in my younger years, realizing early that you can’t change the world or the ways of those who walk it gives you a certain relief and freedom. But as you get older it get’s harder to just say fuck everybody. Now I know this may not be the way it works for everyone, after all there are no absolutes. For some, I’m guessing, it get’s easier to say “fuck the world” the older you get.

Yes, the older you get, the closer you feel to being done with it all. You’ve seen how people can be and experienced the cruel ways of the world… so as each year passes you become a little more cynical and less able to fake that smile as the people around you do their best to screw you. I can totally get that. But as I said it worked in reverse for me.

At a young age I realized the world was full of shit. They all pretended they had answers, and as a child you believe it. But teachers, preachers, and politicians are the great pretenders. Every adult, right up to and including your parents are winging it, not much different as we all do as children. Going with what is told to you, following what everyone else is doing. The idea that adults have any answers or real understanding to what all this is about, like Santa Claus is a nice lie told to children to sooth and reassure them… but it’s still a lie.

No need to get too deep in all this… but for me, I saw through the lie early and with that knowledge I ran with it.

“Fuck the world!” You can’t please everyone, and why would you try when we are all in the same boat, right? No one is better than the next, just a world of people playing pretend from birth to death.

Simply put (is anything ever “simply put” here?), instead of growing more cynical as I grew older I started to realize it was a little more complicated than the simple way I had been looking at it (see, simple, right?).

Having children is definitely part of it. When you have kids (for most at least) you have to give a fuck about something more than yourself. You have to start caring about the future and the way the world is, even if it seems so unworthy of your cares.

Children are only part of it though. For good or bad everyone you come in contact with is a part of your world.  All those around you shape and mold you and are essentially, your life. And in return we are the lives of those around us. We all fit in like puzzle pieces, affecting and being affected.

So from my earliest childhood friends to those of you I have met here on the blog. From my parents to my siblings. From my wife to my children. The people I’ve worked with and those who worked against me. You are my life and make all this what it is… so you can’t just say fuck all that… you might as well be saying fuck your life, and though some may feel just that… I do not.

Heavy, I know. But we can’t get stuck in the depth, we could drown. So let’s just leave it at this:

As I got older, “Fuck The World” became less of a motto and more of just a mood I sometimes was in. If you have read here long enough, you’ve seen me in that mood a few times for sure.

The world, whether you say fuck it or not moves on and so shall this post.

When I first started blogging on WordPress, I had used the initials F.T.W. a few times and there seemed to be a confusion about what I meant (this also happened more recently with the initials S.S.D.D. Which I promise will be dealt with in the next post). So I did some Googling and sure enough the meaning of F.T.W. had changed as the world moved on:

FTW for the win.jpg

At first this kind of upset me. My motto turned mood had become something else. I blame the internet. LMFAO! But really, as I have said over and over again, the internet changed a lot of things. I worked at a video rental store, was actually a manager for a place called The Video Studio in Covina, California (I am mainly mentioning it so I can put it in the tags. I loved working there and who knows, someone might Google it and find this post. That would be cool, right?). I also worked at a few record stores, Sam Goody, The Warehouse,  and of course Tower Records. I really thought Tower Records would be the job I kept for ever. But just like F.T.W. the internet has changed things.

I know… poor zero. My love/hate relationship with the internet is a moot point though really. It too is part of my life (it’s up there in the title, RL and IL… the L stands for life). The internet is much a part of my life as everything else that has been a part of it over these last four decades (has it really been that long?) as it has been for most of us working are way through it. So I just had to accept, that while F.T.W. will always mean “Fuck The World” to me, for others it now meant “For The Win”!

If you think about it, it makes sense. And it actually seems to be a positive move, right? “For The Win” seems much more positive than “Fuck The World”, right?

If you say so. It does fit right into the world in which we find ourselves in now. Helping pave the way for  Donald Trump to become President. It seems to become all about winning now. Which of course, it’s become that way because we had tried to pretend for a while that winning didn’t matter. It obviously does. Participation trophies are great, but we want the win.

Let’s not start drowning in the depth again. This post is not gonna debate winners and losers, but I will say it sucks to lose, we all know that, still… “the devil loves the winner just as much as he loves the sinner”. That’s from a lyric I once wrote. Perceive at your own risk.

Winners, losers, we all get a taste of both from time to time, it’s no mystery why people prefer to win. Shall we move on?

When I first learned of “For The Win” and I mourned the loss of “Fuck The World”, I saw a third phrase (of course there was a third one, everything comes in threes). It was something I had known of since those early days of understanding, something out there like a sickness… growing, infecting. I just now had a name for it, and all I had to do was put it together. Literally.

F.T.W.F.T.W

Fuck The World For The Win.

Go ahead, say it out loud. Think about what it implies. Some of you probably don’t even have to continue reading… but please do.

From the first time I read Book of Revelation at the age of 13, I understood it, or at least how people perceived it.  I now had a name for it.

Fuck The World For The Win.

I guess the best way to explain it for those of you who don’t yet get where I’m going, is to take a look at the terrorism spreading the past 4 decades (my entire life!) from the ideas of Radical Islam. The word Jihad is just a short way of saying, “Fuck the world for the win”. But it isn’t just in the Islamic religion. It’s an idea that flows through many of our worlds religious teachings. The idea that one day the world will end and judgment and salvation will be dealt out respectfully. Everyone has their own version of an Apocalypse awaiting all of us.

See where I’m going yet?

We all have beliefs. We all have philosophies and religious convictions. Traditions passed down from a time we can only read about. Necessary, but dangerous. Necessary because we build our lives upon these beliefs and convictions. Dangerous because people want to be right. They want to win.

So think about it, where does it leave us. I know you can figure it out, you don’t need me to make it clear… just in case though…

There are so many out there who have been taught and believe their way is right and that some day it will all come to an end to punish and reward, again, dealt out respectfully  to each persons own perspective. How do we expect any real self thinking individual to know which way to turn or react. Yes, so many out there who believe the end is coming and see no reason to try to prevent it. In fact, those who truly believe find ways to try to get to that end and prove they were right all along.

Now you see what I’m getting at, yes?

People will destroy it all to be right. Fuck The World For The Win!

I should point out that from the beginning of time people though the end was near. When the Book Of Revelation was written the early Christians believed the end of the world would come in their life time. In fact everyone generation thinks there’s will be the last. The end is always near. To me that proves just how wrong of an idea it is. If you keep expecting the end to come and it doesn’t, when do you finally give up on that idea?

Just in our recent history we can discuss the lunacy of Y2K or 12-21-2012. But people believed it. Shit, we wanted it. People believe the end has to come, so we race for it. After all, the end will prove who is right and who is wrong. and that’s what we really need… to be right, at any cost.

Like most things, it’s all backwards to me. The end of the world seems to be something we’d be happy to be wrong about. And yet so many say, “Fuck The World For The Win”.

And here we are, destroying everything for the sake of an argument that doesn’t really involve us.

Do ya feel me? Can you dig? Or am I the one who’s crazy?

Maybe I am. Because so much of this seems so easy to see and yet we close our eyes and march on towards a destiny we believe was already decided for us.

Damn, I was trying to keep this under 2,000 words, but don’t know if that’s gonna happen. Let’s try to bring this to a conclusion leading into another post (get ready, because from here on out they are gonna fall like dominoes).

I never got a Father’s Day post out this month, lately it’s just been hard to find a reason to come here and write. So that leaves this blog with no Father’s Day post in the 4 years I wrote here. That kind of sucks. After all I’m a father. There is plenty of material for me to write about on the subject. Did it seem like we just took a sharp turn and are heading a different direction? What does Father’s Day have to do with this post? How about a Spiderman reference about paying for the “sins of our fathers”.  Or how many think of that father figure up their in the heavens watching and judging us.  Or how most of us grow up with out our fathers.  I could blog about my own dad. Talk about how untill the 3rd grade my dad was a huge part of my life. Then he was just not there anymore and that’s just how it was. After all I was just a child and the adults knew what they were doing, ha! I could also write about how I’d later go to live with my dad when I was 15 years old and how odd the whole thing was, and get into the different kind of relationship I had with my dad then. Because in between the time I had last seen my dad at age 8 and the time he was back in my life at 15 I had figured out that truth about adults: they didn’t have a clue.

There we go, getting back on topic. Forgive me though, because I’m gonna jump right back off.

Last year around this time I wrote this post:

https://zerodinh.wordpress.com/2016/06/13/when-will-it-be-enough/

As you can read in the post, I had started out wanting to write a post about how no matter how bad the world seemed, that it was up to us to paint our lives with the colors we wanted in them. How what seemed like an upcoming Summer of Fear could easily be turned into a Summer of Love if we wanted to. But the tragedy of Pulse Nightclub rocked us all and the post ended up being a confusional attempt at the realization that it wasn’t so easy to do any more.

A year later and the only difference is I’m not confused. From the moment I hit the “Publish” button on that post to the time I hit “Publish” on this post it has been made all to clear to me the fear has won out.  The Summer of 2016 continued to show that path leading us here. One tragedy after the next backing us all into a corner. Need a personal example to demonstrate exactly what I mean? Of course you do:

Last week I woke up to this song on the news:

This song was new to me… I had just heard it for the first time a few days earlier… I’ll get to that in a moment. The reason it was being played on the news was because Rachel Platten had released an acoustic version of the track to benefit the victims of the nightclub shootings:

Rachel Platten releases new version of ‘Fight Song’ to benefit Orlando victims

So here I was coming out of sleep to this song that was recently familiar to me. It’s a beautiful song and it is easy to see why it would be used as an anthem for standing up against the forces in the world waiting to strike out against us. An uplifting tribute to the human spirit and our choice to stand and face our obstacles. Yes, from bullies to terrorist, the song fits into the narrative we all find ourselves trapped in. A cry out that we will fight.

So it may not come to a surprise that the place I had first heard the song a few days earlier was at my 5th graders graduation ceremony. I had seen and heard a group of children sing it loud and proud as they looked to the uncertainty of middle school.

A couple of quick side notes on all this:

First, my granddaughter (who is still a few years off from her own 5th grade graduation) was with us that day and was reading over the program with me. She saw the name Rachel Platten written in it next to the song title and her eyes lit up. She of course knew the song and liked it quite a bit. She easily sang along once the 5th graders began singing it. As I have said, I had not heard of the song before… I am getting old.

Second, right now, as I copied the song to post it above, it began to play on my laptop. My soon to be 6th grader came running in and sang a duet with Rachel Platten… it was very adorable.

As I said, it’s understandable why this song would be chosen for the 5th grade graduation ceremony, but the song chosen to accompany it is where all this starts messing with my head a little:

I know, right?

Yes, it was very cute. Watching those up and coming adults belt out, “I’m proud to be an American”, was very inspirational…. but in context, well my context at least, it all seemed to be pushing and pulling. Not to mention there was a representative there from both the Republicans and Democrats pointing out how important it was to vote. A message for the parents I’m guessing, since these graduates wouldn’t be voting for quite a few years yet. The whole thing seemed to be getting us all ready for the fight, though that may be a little bit much. But it definitely was sending the message that we will stand strong and proud against all that tries to defeat us. Which again, fits into the narrative we all find ourselves trapped in.

If it seems like I’m getting side tracked, that’s partially because this is 3 posts wrapped up into one. The Father’s Day post I didn’t get to, bled in a little. A post that developed in my head the morning I woke up to “Fight Song” on the news, which I did actually start writing but didn’t get very far. And a 3rd post which is long over due, the one titled “Fuck The World For The Win”.  It’s been in my head for a while now and I had to get it out to move on. The funny thing is, it was meant to be like this… the reason I couldn’t write the “Fight Song” post a few days ago was because it belonged here. These two ideas were locked together in a deadly embrace.

You see, as I said in the Summer post a year ago, the choice between a Summer of love or a Summer of fear may just as well have been made for us. I defiantly believe so as a new summer is here. And it’s not our fault. We have to stand up to these fears in order to get past them. We have to fight for what is right. Corny but true.

Here’s the rub though… and it’s a dangerous one. When we all feel backed into a corner and everyone feels the time has come to say enough is enough. Those out there waiting for the end get a twinkle in their eyes. This is a sign that they are right. And they see the way to victory. They see a way to fuck the world for the win.

Hell, I ain’t saying nothing most of you don’t feel deep inside. You get how it all works. And like I said, the world keeps going on no mater how many try to bring on the end. Still if we keep trying and that lovable, dreadful internet keeps fueling the FTWFTW, who knows.

LOL, now I’m right there with every other generation who thinks that Armageddon is for their generation. And maybe it will be.

To be honest, it don’t matter. Because that’s not the point of this post.

As I have said many times before, the longer I stay away from writing here the easier it is to not write here. And as we all know, I plan on ending the blog at the end of the year. Which is why sometimes with all that’s going on in the world, I wonder why bother even finishing.

But I can’t do that. That wouldn’t be fair to any of us. We’ve come a long way and we can’t stop now. We’ve got a graduation to get to.

So buckle up once again as we head down one last bumpy road together. The whole fucking world can come crashing down along the side of us, this blog is marching right on down to the end. Whether you say Fuck The World or For The Win… even you sick fucks that say Fuck The World For The Win (I know there’s a few of you out there reading) it don’t matter…

 

“Fa shizzel, my wizzel, this is the plot, listen up
You bizzels forgot, Slizzel does not give a fuck”

Crazies With Guns

The following was written 9 months ago, September 9th 2015. It was never finished nor posted:

http://wolbbaltimore.newsone.com/2019290/gunman-at-large-after-opening-fire-and-killing-news-reporter-and-cameramanwe-love-you-alison-and-adam-pic-twitter-comhlszqi06xe-wdbj7-wdbj7-august-26-2015-platform-twitter-comwidgets/

Last month when I heard about the shootings of news reporter Alison Parker and Adam Ward on live TV, I was devastated. So much about this story bothered me. First of course was the loss of life in such a terrible and senseless tragedy, and right behind that was the fact that I knew the internet would deem it all fake. Which of course it immediately did. There are all sorts of places out there in the Wild Wild Web talking about this tragedy being another faked shooting by liberal media or some other PTB (Powers That Be). Another attempt to get more gun control or take away people’s guns. I get it… but in reality, when a shooting like this happens, gun sales go up. One day I will write about all the types of crazy ideas out there that these types of shootings are fake and just part of a larger conspiracy to scare and control us. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised to see many posts on such things turn up here in the near future… the whole thing  mesmerizes me in some way, it’s so twisted… and you know how I like to untwist.

This post though, is about the crazies with the guns, not the crazies trying to convince everyone there are no crazies with guns. So for sake of argument (and sanity) let’s just continue from here (at least for now) with the belief that this shooting and the others discussed here really happened and people really were killed, and there loved ones loved and miss them.

In other words, let’s have a discussion on gun control under the belief this shooting and double murder really took place and is not a conspiracy to take away people’s guns or scare us into buying more guns. Even then the discussion is divided.

Families of the victims, as well as liberal politicians immediately cried out for more gun control, or at least the gun control much of America agrees it needs… which is back ground checks. And of course conservative politicians were quick to point out that this shooting would not have been stopped by background checks. Excuse me for my lack of tact here, but I’d like to smack all of them.

I’m sick of every time we have these shootings we are immediately bombarded with politics. People lost their lives, people lost loved ones, and there is no time for grieving before the politics take over.

Now that there has been some time, I will way in on the whole discussion. I should start off by saying I do not consider myself a liberal or a conservative, though I am very liberal (look the word up) and have lots of conservative ideas. But liberals are crybabies who get nothing done in my book. And conservatives… selfish racist… is there any other way to see them? Both feel entitled while pointing the fingers at the other. So it’s no surprise to see them take these tragedies and make them about themselves and their agendas (parallels, I know you can see them).

Next let me say I don’t get it. What is the argument? One side says we need background checks, which I thought we had already agreed upon as a whole in this country, though obviously not, because so many want to point out that this shooting would not have been stopped with background checks. Why is this argument being made in this case then? I mean seatbelts do not prevent everyone from injury in an accident, yet the law still says to wear one.

Get what I’m saying? Why are we even having this argument at the sake of those who lost their lives here? So background checks wouldn’t have saved these people, but they might save others, right? So STFU! If you want to have a discussion about whether or not background checks work or are needed, have it (or keep having it, because it’s an argument that keeps coming back) Why does it have to be centered around this case? I just don’t get it.

There is a discussion to be had here though. So let’s have it:

 

That’s as far as I got. I had intended to get into a discussion/rant about mentally ill people and their rights to bear arms. And let’s be honest, do we want mentally unstable people to have guns? Trouble is, who is mentally unstable? Do they have to be declared  unstable by a doctor? That’s hard to do in some cases as we’ve seen here first hand. So if someone is reported unfit or unstable and they refuse to go see a doctor, should they then have their guns taken away? And what do police do? Go in and confiscate them? There is a lot to discuss when it comes to crazy people and guns, but I guess I felt it was pointless to discuss when a new story of crazy people and guns pops up way to often now.  And there is no simple solution to what we should do about it. So the post just sat there.

I did have a few links I put on the post that I would have used to show just a few examples of how LE has to deal with crazies and guns:

http://ktla.com/2015/07/24/man-with-gun-shots-fired-reported-on-ventura-boulevard-studio-city-lapd/

http://www.scrippsmedia.com/ktnv/news/Las-Vegas-police-Suspect-put-gun-to-officers-head-before-being-shot-315391901.html

http://lasvegassun.com/news/2015/aug/23/man-shot-killed-after-firing-air-and-screaming/

http://news3lv.com/news/local/lvmpd-sex-offender-william-snider-had-long-history-with-officers

And those were just a few that I found close to home. I had also a link to the story of John Donnally Acree:

http://www.tennessean.com/story/news/2015/04/30/nashville-police-investigate-shooting-reported-thursday-morning/26627255/

I brought up Dorothy’s friend John again because that last Vegas story I found reminded me of Mr Acree’s sad story. And this is where I would have ended the post wondering if John’s Acree’s story could have ended differently if his gun had been confiscated earlier on, or if it would have only sped up the inevitable. In other words when and how do we go about removing guns from someone deemed unstable. It’s a good question, and one we better start asking. I was gonna end the post with something like: “After all, how comfortable would any of us feel knowing Nan Nan had a gun?” That question is even scarier today.

The post was never finished and I sat in silence on the blog for a moment deciding if I would finish the post or move on and then the sad story Bella Bond came up and the post was lost… but not forever.

So why post it now? There have been plenty of crazies with guns since I wrote (or at least started) the post. In the past couple weeks we have seen crazy people use guns (as well as explosives) to spread terror throughout the world, but it’s what happened in Orlando that really got me to return to this post. What happened at Pulse Night Club brings to light all the types of crazy that can go into such tragedies. And it also brings in all the gun control type arguments that may slip in both politically or realistically. Let me just list it all here to show what I mean:

Omar Mateen’s cowardly act was indeed terrorism. There is lots of discussion about this, but plain and simple, his act was an act of terrorism. Regardless of Manteen’s reasoning, the act itself causes terror and is terrorism.

It is also Radical Islamic Terrorism. I know lots of people are afraid to use this type of phrasing. I am not. Truth is truth.

Omar Mateen was heard yelling “Allahu Akbar”, which is usually translated as “God Is Great” and is what terrorist groups like ISIS ask of their “followers” to yell before their terrorist attacks. He also called 911 and a local news station and claimed his actions were indeed linked to Islamic Extremist type issues. So there is no getting around it. And there are other reasons to see him as a terrorist and this a terrorist attack.

After the 9/11 attacks, while Omar was still in High School, his class mates say he made  jokes about the attack, mimicking a plane crashing into the Towers, mocking those who died. He also claimed he was related to Osama bin Laden . Some thought he was just trying to get attention, I would agree. Most crazies with guns are doing just that, trying to get attention. And terrorist, definitely are trying to get attention.

Omar finally did get attention… from the FBI. In May of 2013, the FBI investigated Mateen because of some curious things he had been saying at his job as a security officer.  Mateen had told his coworkers that his family was linked to al-Qaeda and that he had joined Hezbollah. The FBI interviewed Mateen twice after opening an investigation. In these interviews, Mateen admitted to making the statements but “explained that he said them in anger because his co-workers were teasing him.”  Seems Omar hadn’t grown up much since high school. The investigation was closed after 10 months, but Omar would once again come under FBI investigation. In July of 2014, Mateen  was linked to Moner Mohammad Abu Salha, an American who had traveled to Syria and committed a suicide bombing  in late May 2014. The 2 were said to have attended the same mosque. Unfortunately Manteen fell off the FBI’s radar and was left unchecked as he planned for his act of terrorism.

I don’t want to jump to far off the crazy aspect into the terrorism aspect. I myself find anyone who would commit an act of mass murder ending in suicide for an ideology so twisted definitely crazy. But Mateen was all over the place with his worship and beliefs. He often spoke of different opposing groups (such as ISIS and al-Qaeda) as if he was part of both. This seems to be some of the reason why the FBI did not take him seriously, he’s just crazy. Let’s hope LE sees how wrong this way of going about it is. In fact, Manteen showing irrational groupings of his ideology should have shown through as even more reason to suspect he might act on his beliefs. In other words the fact that he is crazy is not a reason to doubt their radicalization, crazy should be a “red flag” not an exempt from terrorist actions. Especially when you add the other “red flags” up. We’ll get to all the other “red flags” but first I’d like to delve a little deeper into Mateen’s mixed-up ideology.

To do this we need to look at Mateen’s father. It is known that his father is a al-Qaeda supporter/sympathiser. The family is from Afghanistan. So Mateen’s early praise for al-Qaeda and the 9/11 attacks or his stories of being related to Osama bin Laden would make sense coming from a younger Mateen influenced by his father. I should point out that the father had stories of his own back then, claiming he would return to Afghanistan to be its leader in the end. Yes, I bet father Mateen filled son Mateen’s head with all sorts of fucked up shit. More on that in a second.

Given time and the change of things in the terrorist world, a few years later, Mateen still angry (we’ll get to the anger part) and crazy, sees the propaganda that ISIS has been able to create out there, is fully sucked in with thanks to the internet (fucking internet). So the confusion of who Mateen was committing jihad for is pointless, because his crazy ass was affected by it all… and much more. Besides parts of al-Qaeda would eventually become ISIS… so again pointless confusion.

The thing most said about Mateen was that he was angry and full of hate. This could come from his beliefs on how his father’s home country has been affected over the years. But it obviously goes deeper. His ex-wife said he was abusive and had to flee for her life from the relationship. People who have worked with Mateen have claimed his anger and hatred was more of a jealously type thing or a “they think they are better than me” reasoning. One such co-worker eventually quit due to the stress of working with someone with such obvious issues.

It’s too bad that the ex-wife did not take legal action against Mateen’s abuse… maybe it would have stopped the sale of a firearm to him. It’s also too bad the place where Mateen had worked hadn’t taken his co-workers complaints more seriously, maybe it would have triggered some kind of action earlier on.

Lots of missed opportunities here. Right up to Mateen being refused sales of body armor. It was reported, but since he did not purchase the armor, there was no way of knowing who the strange guy was that tried to buy it. And the report went nowhere. But from the early reports from high school, to the FBI interviews, right up to the attempt to purchase body armor, the biggest missed opportunity was from Mateen’s new wife. She knew he was heading towards radicalization. She knew he planned attacks. She had driven him to check out The Pulse nightclub. The night of the massacre she had an idea of what he might do. But she never spoke up or called authorities. I understand it might be difficult for families to turn in family members for suspicious activities or extreme views. It could be making the situation worse. In fact most of these terrorist acts were done by people who were once looked at by authorities for extremist ideas and possible radicalization. What I mean by that is that once someone is looked into by authorities, it helps to cement radicalization. In other words, being looked at suspiciously cause some people to say fuck it, I might as well be doing what they suspect me of doing. I know that is a very simple way of looking at a very complicated subject, but I hope the all government authorities see this and realize the fact they are looking into someone means they should never stop looking at them. You have to check back up on them, because just the fact you looked into them could be thing that kicks them over the edge.

Regardless of all that, in my opinion, Mateen’s wife knew what would inevitably happen. She should have spoken up and I hope law enforcement takes a good look at what should be done about her part in all of it as well as not reporting what she knew was gonna happen. Again my opinion.

So there is already so much going on here but we haven’t even scratched the surface. We have radical terrorism, anger issues, spousal abuse, mental instability, the want or need for attention, and all of it missed or at least not understood in time to stop what happened Sunday, June 12, 2016. We have only scratched the surface because we haven’t even began to talk about the Hate Crime aspect to it all.

Just as you can not say this was not an act of radical terrorism, you can not ignore that it was a Hate Crime. It was equally both. And just as I believe Mateen’s father was the main source of Mateen’s early extreme ideas (most likely they were encouraged by the fathers beliefs and further influenced by the internet and other Radical Islamic propaganda) it’s easy to see that the dick head daddy (the guy is such an evil asshole in my book) also forced anti-homosexuality beliefs on his son. Of course Islamic religion is really no different from most religions when it comes to the thoughts on homosexuality, but Mateen’s father is one of those still on the extreme side of religious thoughts on it. Which means it is not tolerated in any way.

So the fact that the attack was on a gay night club fits right into the extreme religious views by the father passed on to his son. But we all know it goes deeper than that. There are reports of Mateen frequenting The Pulse and maybe other gay clubs. Some say they communicated with Mateen on social media and gay dating sites and were under the impression that Mateen was gay and looking to date other gay males.

This complicates it even further, because this could mean that Matten was suffering from some sort of self hate or confusion about his sexual identity. This is also somewhat confirmed by his ex-wife and others who knew him and said they had wondered if he was gay. If he was, his growing religious radicalization and his father’s prehistoric ideas of how things should be would have been a very conflicting in his already deteriorating mental state.

And we can’t say for sure it wasn’t racially motivated in some way as well. It was latin Night at the club after all. And although some of the survivors of the mass shooting have said Mateen purposely announced his actions was not against “black” people, there seems to be some racist thoughts involved in the mind of this mad man.

In fact early reports from those he worked with said Mateen constantly said racist and  sexist things. Mateen seemed to think others thought “they were better than him”. This is not much different from those who commit mass murder in schools or work places. They fell mistreated or belittled by those around them.

Last and probably least is the fact no one seemed to point out. Mateen was a security guard who really wanted to be a cop. Anyone who has had to deal with a security guard who for some reason (usually good reasons) they could not become a cop and are now in a place to force some authority, knows they probably shouldn’t have guns. In fact lots of serial killers wanted to be cops and hung out with cops and try to be in on their own investigations. It’s just another “red flag” and another part of what I believe be the “perfect storm” of a mass murderer.

As time passes and other crazies with guns disrupt our lives and destroy the lives of those in their path, I hope we don’t forget what happened in Orlando. All the talking points are there. All the different ways these things happen, happens all at once and we need to start having the discussions that are gonna be hard to have. But we have to have them. I support the second amendment as I do all our rights. But we have to keep guns from crazy people. But someone who makes fun of 9/11, claims to be related to Osama bin Laden, has connections to known terrorist, is looked at not once, but twice by the FBI or Homeland Security, abuses their wife, is socially awkward and abusive to where others are afraid to work with them, buys large amounts of ammunition and try to buy body armor… well… they are crazy, and as we have been shown, they should NEVER have a gun.

When Will It Be Enough?

It’s been 2 months since my last post. I’ve been in a sort of stupor of sadness. After my last post another one of my heroes passed away. Prince was a major influence on my life since I was in grade school. I started to write a post about how he influenced my life and half way through I just stopped. I began to think about the blog and the things I was writing about. Started to once again wonder if I should have ever strayed from the “Red & Black” and onto the paths that led me to “Zero’s World”. I mean 2 of the biggest influences in my life, Bowie and Prince were gone, and I had failed to mention either one till after their untimely death. David Bowie and Prince were not just musical influences, they were huge influences on self-love and respect, individuality, and understanding and accepting… no… celebrating our differences. They were major parts of my very complicated life, and after 3 years of blogging I had not mentioned either until their death. What was I blogging about when Prince was takin’ from us? Some dick named Jason Edwards and the ongoing feuds of McKee, Prinnie, & Radio.

Had I lost my way?

What would the Zero of only a few years ago (the one who started his journey here at WordPress with the “Red & Black”) think, if he could see what he was blogging about now?

I’m the only one who can answer that, and yet I can’t. I’m not sure if I would have ever started blogging if I knew how it would affect me and the endless circles it would send me in. You see I’ve had issues with circles in the past, and my whole thought process when I wrote that first post, what seems like a lifetime ago, was to help others to see the circles we get stuck in and of course what I have said throughout all of this, understanding. If we try to understand each other and all we each are going through, the whys and hows, we could get to at least a common ground where moving forward instead of declining backwards was possible.

I know a lot of you are saying, “really you blogged about this stuff? I thought you just blogged about Dorothy and LISK obsessors.”

Well, maybe that’s my fault… I may have let the circles get the best of me. And yet, no matter how far I have strayed, circles never let you get far from where you begin.

So these last few months I have sat down to write a post quite a few times but unsure where to go with it for the moment. How to ride the circles. Because circles are not always bad things… like I have said before, they can be like rain drops on a pond… each circle growing bigger and bigger. Or think of the circles linked together in uncountable chains, each connecting to another as you trace them, leading you into all possibilities.

But they are dangerous, easy to get stuck in small circles that are very damaging. Or worse, they can break off into downward spirals.

Whoa… very “Red & Black” today. Sorry, I will try to get to the point, if there really is one any more, and I do still have hope that there is one. Maybe that’s the point. That I still have hope for one. I definitely think that’s what I thought was the point yesterday.

There were a few times I started to write a post over the past couple months. When I read the news about a man who had been with homeland security shot his estranged wife and many other innocent people in a 2 day shooting spree:

http://www.cnn.com/2016/05/06/us/maryland-shootings/index.html

I sat down to type, but nothing came. This guy was with Homeland Security!?! Once again there seems to be no lines between bad guys and good guys. Maybe that’s why I didn’t write a post.

There were other times I came to this screen wanting to put to words how I felt about all the things going on around me… when an Egypt Air  plane disappeared from the skies I once again sat at a blank screen wanting to say something but not really knowing the purpose of anything I could say. No matter what I said about it then, we’d still be at the same place now:

http://www.foxnews.com/world/2016/06/01/latest-french-firm-gets-signal-from-crashed-egypt-plane.html

Each time the argument about where people are allowed to use the restroom came up in the news and online I wanted to pound hard on my keyboard in all caps… but it wouldn’t have stopped the lunacy from growing as it did.

The thing about this blog is, the more I skip on planned posts and the more time I let pass between them… the easier it is not to blog at all.

For every thing I want to post about there are countless more things that I could be blogging about. Positive things, negative things, crazy things. The posts alone about this election would fill this already crowded blog. So again, what’s the point?
While posing the question to myself and getting stuck in a circle of sadness, I got some devastating news about someone very close to me.

Suddenly all the fucked upness of the world was hitting way too close.

It’s a good thing I wasn’t posting… because there would have been some dark stuff last week.

I really started to wonder if there was any hope for humanity. Are we stuck in circles or trapped in downward spirals so dangerous, there was no hope?

By the end of last week I still wasn’t sure where my head was on everything going on in the real world but I knew I wasn’t done in the Internet one. I had to write a post… about something… about anything, or it would just become to easy to let it go.

I thought long and hard this weekend, a good weekend spent with family and friends (my son had graduated from High School, that’s 6 down 1 to go) and thought hard about the world around me both close and distant. Yes, there was craziness and despair, but it was still beautiful to me. All of it had meaning… all of it had purpose, there was a point.

I decided to finally come back to the blog and post about a lot of what I just wrote, though more detailed in some areas (like more on Trump, Clinton, Bernie and the election) while not in others.

I planned the post in my head Saturday night as I went to sleep. I wasn’t sure whether I would call it “Summer Of Love” or “Summer Of Fear” but guessed it would be some sort of combination of both like “Summer Of Love Or Fear?” or “Summer Of?”. I had planned on using a couple of songs by Offspring:

I wanted to show the contrast of fellings, but I wanted to express the hope. I never know for sure how a post will go because things change as I write them, but I know I wanted to end positively and though it was a post about how fucked up things seem to be getting I wanted to express it was our Summer and if we wanted it to be a fun one regardless of all the shit we were going through, it could be. It was up to us to make this a Summer of Love and not a Summer of Fear.

Yesterday morning, I shook off all the doom and gloom and sat down to set it all back into a postive spin that could spin us into circles of hope. I also turned on the T.V.

The screen in front of me would remain blank once again.

The deadliest mass shooting in America’s history:

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2016/06/12/reaction-to-florida-nightclub-mass-shooting.html

http://www.cnn.com/2016/06/12/us/orlando-shooter-omar-mateen/index.html

Now what?

This is it. Maybe our final wake up call before it’s too late.

But that sounds a lot like fear.

It also sounds very real.

The choice of a summer of love vs. a summer of fear seems more important now than a silly post on a silly blog.

And I really don’t know which way it will go. I can’t even say what side I may find myself on.

This tragedy hits on so much, from gun control issues, mental illness and Islamic terrorism to the bigotry of all religions when it comes to the rights of the LGBTQ. But the fact remains that all these senseless things we do to each other is because we don’t care to understand each other.

I know there is still hope… most of the world wants to understand, accept, and live peacefully with each other. There is still love out there.

But is it time for us to seriously be afraid of  what may happen if we all don’t join together and fight against what is trying to destroy us…

or will that only insure our destruction?

The zero who first started blogging here on WordPress I’m sure would want us to fight the fear and embrace the love and hope for change.

That zero is gone though and I’m left more confused than ever and as I said, not sure where I will find myself.